Horrorscopes

 Marielle Genovesi, Culture Editor

 

Sagittarius: Don’t even try to dress up as sexy Dorothy. You will bring shame to the beauty and perfection of the character Judy Garland originated so long ago.
 
Scorpio: You shouldn’t try to bring back the black kitty getup. Not only is it getting old, but last time you attempted it, your catch phrase for the night was, “I’m a pussy!” Let’s rethink things this year, shall we?

Libra: You should wear a mask to the Halloween party you plan to attend to prevent people from thinking your real face is the mask of a dead mass-murderer.

Virgo: You know how you joke about the ghost that lives in your house? Well he’s real, and he will be watching you extra carefully. It should come as no surprise that Halloween is his favorite time of year.

Leo: Your fear of witches doesn’t bode well for your survival through this Halloween. Don’t be alarmed if one appears outside your window in the dead of the night. Try not to wet the bed.
 
Cancer: You might find yourself in the emergency room this week if you get cocky about your pumpkin carving skills. It turns out you’re not as smooth with carving knives as you may think.

Gemini: Everyone hates when you sing the songs from “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” You can’t even get the Jack Skeleton voice right.
 
Taurus: If you’re looking for an escape from nightmarish exams and even more frightening professors, chant “beetle-juice” three times.
 
Aries: Your soulmate will be dressed as a banana for Halloween. In my opinion it would be super corny if you dressed as a monkey, but sadly, the universe is telling me that this might be your plan of action.
 
Pisces: Be careful where you park your car this week. Mischief night is going to be extra chaotic this year. Plus, karma’s a bitch. I know what you did to your best friend’s girlfriend’s friend’s car when you were in high school.

Aquarius: My cousin’s a sorcerer and my aunt is a witch, that means they have the power to cast evil spells on you and your friends. Try not to upset the spirits. You wouldn’t want a repeat of last year, now would you?
 
Capricorn: President Kleinewski will either be flattered or horrified that you have decided to dress as her for Halloween this year. I would, however, refrain from letting her catch you as her doppelganger, just to play it safe.