Marielle Genovesi – Culture Editor
Aries: You like to sing “Survivor” in the shower, and everyone who hears this keeps wondering if they’re going to survive living with you all year. Don’t get ahead of yourself, it’s only September, you haven’t survived anything yet.
Taurus: May you truly enjoy falling asleep to the soothing sounds of the couple above you having sex every night for 13 days. Your spirit animal is a Hipster.
Gemini: You won’t win the lottery this week (or ever for that matter). You will spill the salt shaker more than once, and you definitely will not find a four-leaf clover. You’re just a very unfortunate person in every way.
Cancer: It would be in your best interest not to admit to your entire geography class that that you didn’t know where the Atlantic Ocean was until last week.
Leo: When vomiting this week after getting stupid drunk, refrain from doing so in anyone’s bed but your own, and/or peeing on your roommate’s face. Toilets were invented for a reason.
Virgo: If you use “hashtags” daily over text, I think that this week you need to re-evaluate your self-worth. Your lucky number is 0, because you Virgos mean nothing to me.
Libra: Stop “twerking” all alone in your room, instead occupy yourself with much classier dance moves, like “The Electric Slide,” or if you’re feeling especially old school, “The Time-warp.”
Scorpio: You have the heart of little bo-peep, and the voice of a chorus of a thousand angels, eyes the color of the bluest ocean, and cheeks as red as roses, but nobody loves you.
Sagittarius: This week you will walk home from every party alone, while attempting to hold the hands of passing strangers. You might want to stop flirting with the bartender, they’re never going to give you something “on the house,” if you catch my drift.
Capricorn: No one cares that the man at Dunkin Donuts hit on you, or that your dinner last night was basically calorie free. Try shutting your mouth almost every time you want to open it.
Aquarius: Every night before you go to bed this week do ten jumping-jacks, three full splits, four clockwise twirls, close your eyes and recite your favorite poem, say your best friend’s name backwards, high-five the nearest human being, and then challenge them to a thumb war, and then your wish may or may not come true.
Pisces: Stop telling everyone that your boyfriend is “Jack Daniels” no one thinks you are funny, you just sound like you have a problem.