Marielle Genovesi – Culture Editor
Aries:This week you will rip every pair of pants you wear; looks like it’s either time to hit the gym or learn how to sew.
Taurus: The only person who will text you this week will be your mother, and it will only be because your dog died. Looks like it is time to find new friends and a new dog.
Gemini: You really shouldn’t get into your car, because there is a 110% chance you will fall asleep at the wheel.
Cancer: Going to class commando isn’t daring or adventurous. No one wants to see your butt crack- wear a belt, moron.
Leo: Your soulmate is a roast beef sandwich, so I would stop pining over the girl in your econ class.
Virgo: Everyone knows you have sex in the bathroom because it echoes down the hall, and no one thinks its hot because they all know that your safety word is “banana.”
Libra: You think you will try getting in touch with your emotional side, and that’s great and all, but it doesn’t mean you should cry uncontrollably in yoga. There’s nothing sad about quiet contemplation
Scorpio: This week your boyfriend/girlfriend will cheat on you, and they won’t even try to cover it up. I would advise you to move on, but we both know you won’t because you’re a pathetic loser.
Sagittarus: I hate everything you wear. You have the style of a five year old, and everyone thinks so. You will come across four black cats and two dead birds this week.
Capricorn: While you are out this weekend your shoes will mysteriously disappear and then it will start to rain.. I would check for them under the hood of your neighbors car.
Aquarius: You will get gum stuck in your hair at some point this week, except you won’t notice for a number of days, maybe you should try brushing your hair regularly, you scum bag.
Pisces: Your neighbors will call the cops on you because they are convinced you hide bodies in your garage. Looks like you are the new neighborhood creep!