Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer
Aries: You’re independent, clever and witty like a cat. This week, deceive everyone.
Taurus: Don’t claim to be a vegetarian in hopes of being trendy. I caught you eating fish, poser.
Gemini: I’m worried about your mental health. This week try not to mutter under your breath so often, and make sure to finish your sentences. I would remind you to wipe yourself and brush your hair, but I’m not your mother.
Cancer: This will probably be the most miserable summer of your life. Besides when you were an infant and spent your summers sitting in your own stuff.
Leo: Everyone can hear you singing in the shower. Adele is getting old and you can’t do her justice. Let’s find another tune to carry, shall we? If you don’t, I’ll club you over the head.
Virgo: You’re just not attractive enough to have a stalker.
Libra: It’s okay if you only shower once a week.
Scorpio: It is time to call up your mom and confess about that night you spent in jail. Also, you might as well tell her about those pre-class tequila shots you take regularly. She’s going to love hearing that you’re an alcoholic in the making.
Sagittarius: Sagittarius girls, stop saying “suck my dick.”
Capricorn: Sometimes love can be fantastic. Sometimes it sucks so bad you don’t even bother putting on pants. Attempt to mend your heart by doing the most logical things: drinking so much sangria that you vomit, and by taking your clothes off while insisting loudly that your ex-lover is missing out on your hot bod.
Aquarius: Your use of the word “brotastic” is not only strange, but also completely wrong. If you’re going to use slang, use it right otherwise you just seem like a tool.
Pisces: You often get this look on your face that reminds me exactly of the roadkill I once scraped off the road in front of my house. I can’t help these things, I just see them.