Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer
Aries: Your motivation this week is as little as the amount of sunny days that grace the hills of Oneonta.
Taurus: Wear different colored socks on each foot every day this week and you will find a change in your life path. If you don’t own colored socks—who are you?
Gemini: I saw you fist those tatter tots and put them in your pockets, what animal are you keeping in your pants?
Cancer: You have mooned and flashed half of campus this week. Are you a one person peep show?
Leo: You’ve been yearning for adventure. Don’t go swimming in the pond. The lochness monster might live there.
Virgo: You have the cackle of an evil witch. Stop being a happy person.
Libra: When he said he would delete the sex tape you two made, he meant he would post it on Youtube and then delete it from his computer.
Scorpio: Get over yourself; there are people out there who are having a worse day than you. Like myself. Your lucky number this week is 666.
Sagittarius: The stars will align and nothing will happen for you. Stuff’s pretty lame on your end. Do anything to make it seem like you are an interesting person.
Capricorn: None of your friends will let you in on their plans because you’re literally the biggest buzz-kill. Try being less arrogant and less grumpy. Everyone is going to thank me for this.
Aquarius: I know that you like to make phone calls and do FaceTime while on the toilet. Are you embarrassed yet?
Pisces: When life gives you lemons, you will not make lemonade–you will let them rot. That’s bad luck.