Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer

Marielle Genovesi
Marielle Genovesi

Aries: Your motivation this week is as little as the amount of sunny days that grace the hills of Oneonta.

Taurus: Wear different colored socks on each foot every day this week and you will find a change in your life path. If you don’t own colored socks—who are you?

Gemini: I saw you fist those tatter tots and put them in your pockets, what animal are you keeping in your pants?

Cancer: You have mooned and flashed half of campus this week. Are you a one person peep show?

Leo: You’ve been yearning for adventure. Don’t go swimming in the pond. The lochness monster might live there.

Virgo: You have the cackle of an evil witch. Stop being a happy person.

Libra: When he said he would delete the sex tape you two made, he meant he would post it on Youtube and then delete it from his computer.

Scorpio: Get over yourself; there are people out there who are having a worse day than you. Like myself. Your lucky number this week is 666.

Sagittarius: The stars will align and nothing will happen for you. Stuff’s pretty lame on your end. Do anything to make it seem like you are an interesting person.

Mary Cheung
Mary Cheung

Capricorn: None of your friends will let you in on their plans because you’re literally the biggest buzz-kill. Try being less arrogant and less grumpy. Everyone is going to thank me for this.

Aquarius: I know that you like to make phone calls and do FaceTime while on the toilet. Are you embarrassed yet?

Pisces: When life gives you lemons, you will not make lemonade–you will let them rot. That’s bad luck.

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