The Virgin’s Guide to Sex:


1. Quit faking orgasms, ladies. A real climax wouldn’t sound so delicate. Be loud and proud.

2. Whatever you can do with your hands, don’t bother. Ain’t nobody got time for that and odds are they can do it better themselves. Use your mouth. Get creative.
3. Hey fellas, trying to read braille? No? Well then maybe you shouldn’t have been doodling dicks in your high school health class, huh? It’s never too late to learn. 

4. Don’t underestimate the value of a good eargasm! Put some jams on. And maybe put some jam on? I don’t know what you kids are into these days. 8tracks has lots of sex jams. Ch-Ch-Check it out. 

5. Professors and mailmen should be admired from afar . . . Or up close. Age is just a number, right? 

6. Make sure to find out what your partner wants. Communication is key. Simultaneous climax is all the rage these days. Get it!
7. This ain’t 20 questions. Have confidence and take some initiative, bro.

8. Keep in mind that “no” means no. “I’m not sure . . .” is a no. Silence is also no. 

9. Yes is definitely yes. Kudos, you’re partaking in consensual sex! Someone thinks you’re totally fuckable!

10. Throw in some old English dirty talk while you’re at it. 

11. Post-workout sex? Recover with some high- protein semen!

12. Candles set the mood. Candles are a fire hazard. It’s all about priorities. 

13. Please, please, please don’t have sex in the common room. Just no. Get out. 

14. Honor the scrunchie/tie/sock on the doorknob. 

15. There’s nothing wrong with good ol’ fashioned missionary in the sack, but try to keep things interesting. Find out how flexible you are. 

16. Go outside! We live in the middle of nowhere, take advantage of that. 

17. Be wary of sexting. Who knows what could happen with those pictures if and when your relationship goes sour. Also, be aware that your significant other’s father may peer over at their phone right when the image is being opened. 

18. Keep in mind that “losing your virginity” is poor wording on society’s part. You aren’t losing anything. Purity and innocence are myths in themselves. You’re gaining experience, so give it away already! 

19. Or take your time. Cheer up, comrades . . . there’s always the nunnery!

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