Marielle Genovesi- Arts Editor
Aries: Don’t be alarmed by the large stranger who waves at you excitedly in the quad, he was nice enough to carry you up Deer Path the other night, ya lazy drunk.
Taurus: One night this week you will be so tired that you’ll microwave your mac & cheese without water, causing not only the dorm fire alarm to go off at 3am, but ruining your appetite for the cheesy goodness.
Gemini: Someone will catch you sippin on the vodka you hid inside your water bottle while at Chase gym, so try being a little more discrete next time you decide to pre-game and exercise at the same time.
Cancer: I saw your butt and it wasn’t even cute, try tanning dat ass, but don’t burnt it, cause that isn’t cute either.
Leo: You know what they say about the size of your iPhone 6…..
Virgo: You will have a sweet, sweet, tender dream about your celebrity crush giving you some lovin, but then obvi you will wake up and realize that will never happen ever.
Libra: Please refrain from eating all foods that smell bad, seeing as I know you don’t brush your teeth, and you want to get into dating.
Scorpio: All that late night Tinos pizza and all those tequila shots are greatly depleting your bank account, looks like you’re about to be an especially sober and broke college student.
Sagittarius: You will have a late night encounter with some deer, but you will forget your glasses at home, causing you to think a pack of wolves is hunting you down.
Capricorn: This week you will run into your one-night-stand everywhere you go on campus, at last you will try to wave, but they will pretend not to see you
Aquarius: You will attempt to throw a party, but no one will show except the cops, who refused to be persuaded from giving you a ticket, no matter how many times you bat your lashes or tell them you were on honor role in high school.
Pisces: Your spirit animal is the dirty sock in your laundry basket. EW.