Marielle Genoves, Culture Editor
Aries: Your “sweet-heart” will give you moldy chocolates for Valentine’s Day, and he will say it is because you have grown on him just like mold. Symbolism is romantic, right?
Taurus: You keep wondering to yourself why you aren’t in a relationship, well maybe it is because every time you see a couple kissing you dry heave and make vomiting sounds.
Gemini: Your boyfriend will not like the couples massage or the bath oils you plan to surprise him with. The truth is he hates Valentine’s Day. Clearly you’re a terrible significant other for not knowing this.
Leo: Cupid told me he couldn’t find anyone for you. You’re rude, whiny and pushy. Check back at a later date.
Capricorn: Much love. Very valentines. So wow. Romance.
Virgo: A secret admirer will leave you flowers and chocolates for Valentine’s Day. Well, they were actually meant for your roommate, but she doesn’t need to know, right?
Pisces: Do you remember when you were little and everyone would give out Valentine’s Day cards, but your crush always forgot you? It seems that this is an annual trend.
Cancer: What is the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.
Libra: Someone will be buying you copious amounts of drinks at the bar on Valentine’s Day, and you’ll love it. Turns out you’ll be so drunk that you won’t realize that someone is yourself.
Scorpio: The good news this Valentine’s Day: when you’re feeling sad and lonely, just remember that your dog will always love and appreciate you.
Aquarius: “Love is like having extra marital affair with own life. You won’t listen to own brain and won’t agree to own heart.” Someone told me this once and they said that it was meant for you. Even though it is completely grammatically incorrect.
Sagittarius: You will spend Valentine’s Day with your significant other in the kitchen of Taco Bell, sharing a Crunch Wrap Supreme.