Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When your significant other tells you that they don’t watch porn, ask them to have a conversation about honesty and open communication.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The point-of-no-return is absolutely not a thing when it comes to deciding you’d rather not have sex. Blue balls have never killed anyone.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t waste your money on lingerie. He wants to see you naked, not dressed up.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Being in a relationship is nice when you want to grab lunch or watch a movie, but until you can learn to control your tongue at the bar it’s something you shouldn’t be a participant in.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

In your head, drunk sex is wild, fun, and sexy. In reality, drunk sex is sloppy, loud, and humiliating. Someone had to tell you.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

If you’re both down to do butt stuff that’s great, but be very aware of the risks that come with it, or you might find yourself in a shitty situation.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Condoms are expensive, but not nearly as expensive as Plan B. Don’t let Plan B be your Plan A!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t underestimate the power of wearing undergarments that make you happy. You know it’s going to be a good day when your underwear makes you smile.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Have a conversation with your partner before pulling out your porn-inspired moves. Not everyone is okay with getting their mouth spat in.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Faking an orgasm isn’t a crime, but you lose the right to complain if your partner’s not doing it for you because they definitely have been thinking that they do.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Sexual attraction isn’t the only criteria for a happy relationship, but it’s for sure an important part of it. Like 75 to 90 percent of it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If your partner’s in the mood and you’re not, bring up important issues like presidential candidate Trump. Is there a bigger turnoff than Donald Trump? Doubtful.

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