Rebecca Pollard, Culture Editor
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There is an estimated 88 million cats owned in households across the United States. This week, you should make that 88 million and one.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A group of cats is called a clowder. In order to be a part of a clowder, you must own a couple of cats. Consider becoming part of a clowder.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Cats sleep for about 70 percent of their lives. As amazing as this may sound, humans are not cats, and sleeping your life away will not solve your problems.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A cat named Stubbs has been the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska for the past 15 years. This means that a cat is more successful than you.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
Your cat won’t eat your snickers bar because it can’t taste sweetness. However, it will eat your fish or meat, so you should eat snickers instead.
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
When a cat purrs it can mean that they are self-healing, nervous, or that it could be a sign of contempt. Basically, cats are just as confusing as girls, so maybe just get a dog.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Adult cats only meow to communicate with humans. Adults humans only meow to pretend they’re cats. Try to refrain from that though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Cats have a low social IQ. You do as well; so getting a cat is a fantastic idea.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Abraham Lincoln kept four cats in the white house with him during his presidency. They were (probably) his best advisors. You could really use some advisors too.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Isaac Newton created the cat door. He used some of his genius to make sure cats everywhere have more freedom. Try directing some of your attention on bettering the lives of cats.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Cats use their whiskers to see if they’ll be able to fit in a space. However, they often still get stuck. Things don’t always go as planned, not even for cats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Black cats are associated with bad luck in the U.S., but as good luck in the U.K. A change in perception changes everything.