Aries: You and your partner will try to imitate 50 Shades of Grey and you will both forget the safe word.
Taurus: That heart shaped box might be full of cheap chocolate, but he was full of gonorrhea.
Gemini: You can refresh all you want, they didn’t swipe right.
Cancer: In a fit of nervousness, you ask your crush to be your “valentime.”
Leo: This valentines day the only person willing to go on a date with you is your cousin. Just like prom.
Virgo: You’re pregnant. Or she is.
Libra: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Your significant other is cheating on you. Ouch.
Scorpio: Every time you think you fall in love, an angel loses its wings.
Sagittarius: There will never be a Cory to your Topanga. Sorry.
Capricorn: The professor you are having an affair with is still going to fail you.
Aquarius: Your favorite valentine’s day movie is Christmas with the Kranks.
Pisces: That epic kiss you had last night was with…your sister?