Aries: You and your partner will try to imitate 50 Shades of Grey and you will both forget the safe word.

Taurus: That heart shaped box might be full of cheap chocolate, but he was full of gonorrhea.

Gemini: You can refresh all you want, they didn’t swipe right.

Cancer: In a fit of nervousness, you ask your crush to be your “valentime.”

Leo: This valentines day the only person willing to go on a date with you is your cousin. Just like prom.

Virgo: You’re pregnant. Or she is.

Libra: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Your significant other is cheating on you. Ouch.

Scorpio: Every time you think you fall in love, an angel loses its wings.

Sagittarius: There will never be a Cory to your Topanga. Sorry.

Capricorn: The professor you are having an affair with is still going to fail you.

Aquarius: Your favorite valentine’s day movie is Christmas with the Kranks.

Pisces: That epic kiss you had last night was with…your sister?

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