Aries: Hope you weren’t planning on going home early for winter break— your one and only final will be on Wednesday afternoon.
Taurus: OPD has fallen behind on their parking ticket quota, but not for long. You parked in faculty this morning!
Gemini: You will decide to do The Jug challenge and on your tenth beer, the previous nine will come back to haunt you. No t-shirt for you.
Cancer: Your “friend” will mistake you for your twin brother in Schumacher and break your heart. I guess pobody’s nerfect.
Leo: So you guessed the Yellow Deli soup of the day. Whoopdy-doo, you want a cookie or something? Lucky for you they have those.
Virgo: You will lose your I.D. and dignity at Jimmy T’s.
Libra: You realized you have become Squidward.
Scorpio: The pumpkin pie you ate on Thanksgiving was a bomb. From a bomb factory. They’re bombs.
Sagittarius: Post-Thanksgiving tryptophan will leave you comatosed, missing all your finals.
Capricorn: You will realize you like Family Guy more than The Simpsons. I’m so sorry.
Aquarius: Your best friend will tell you that you are a mediocre clarinet player and you will be devastated.
Pisces: The turkey won’t defrost and your mother will inevitably blame it on you. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.