Aries: Hope you weren’t planning on going home early for winter break­— your one and only final will be on Wednesday afternoon.

Taurus: OPD has fallen behind on their parking ticket quota, but not for long. You parked in faculty this morning!

Gemini: You will decide to do The Jug challenge and on your tenth beer, the previous nine will come back to haunt you. No t-shirt for you.

Cancer: Your “friend” will mistake you for your twin brother in Schumacher and break your heart. I guess pobody’s nerfect.

Leo: So you guessed the Yellow Deli soup of the day. Whoopdy-doo, you want a cookie or something? Lucky for you they have those.

Virgo: You will lose your I.D. and dignity at Jimmy T’s.

Libra: You realized you have become Squidward.

Scorpio: The pumpkin pie you ate on Thanksgiving was a bomb. From a bomb factory. They’re bombs.

Sagittarius: Post-Thanksgiving  tryptophan will leave you comatosed, missing all your finals.

Capricorn: You will realize you like Family Guy more than The Simpsons. I’m so sorry.

Aquarius: Your best friend will tell you that you are a mediocre clarinet player and you will be devastated.

Pisces: The turkey won’t defrost and your mother will inevitably blame it on you. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

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