Marielle Genovesi- Culture Editor
Gemini: Caught you attempting to pick up someone by asking them to buy you a drink at the bar, I’m pretty sure that it works the other way around, you manner–less dingus.
Virgo: You plan on pulling an all-nighter to study for a few of your finals, but be careful because you might accidentally hit the snooze obscenely early and miss out on crucial study hours. “F’s” all around!
Pisces: If you believe that girls don’t fart, then you must also believe that unicorns exist, which is completely untrue. Deductive reasoning, try it sometime.
Cancer: The answer is yes, everyone did see you scarf down an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s and no, they did not find it the least bit attractive. Not sorry you got dumped.
Libra: You will be found canoodling with someone in the bathroom of the third floor of Milne, so gross. Please, that is the least sexy place to get down and dirty.
Scorpio: As my dude Ferris Bueller says, “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might just miss it.” AKA oops, ya missed it, see ya on the other side!
Sagittarius: Everyone swipes left for you on Tinder. God that sucks to know, sorry.
Capricorn: Saw ya vomit quietly behind a bush outside HECO. Late night at Legends, I see?
Aquarius: When one stares into your eyes they feel as if they are falling through a bottomless pit of doom and despair, and that they may never escape your terrible gaze.
Aries: You told everyone that you think that fighting for equality is bullshit, so now everyone hates you and believes you to be a complete idiot and coward, get with it.
Leo: This week, every time someone says “hello” to you, you will start to giggle-snort uncontrolablly, like an insane pig.
Taurus: You will be so desperate for human contact and affection this week that you will fake sick and call your ex claiming to be on your death bed.