Marielle Genovesi- Culture Editor

Gemini: You will burn the roof of your mouth on  every hot beverage you choose to drink this week, making it harder for you to taste anything at all.

Leo: I think you should stop taking those annoying Buzzfeed quizzes, and then re-posting them on the Internet because you think everyone cares “what woodland creature you are” or “what sandwich you would be.” I would like to inform you that you will never be a sandwich and a sandwich will never be you.

Virgo: Someone will tell you that you look like a cross between Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan, and you will be extremely offended.

Mary Cheung
Mary Cheung


Pisces: You have left writing four papers until the last minute and no amount of Adderall is going to save you.

Cancer: You will forget to plug your headphones into your computer at the library and your music will play obscenely loud. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got kicked out of the building.

Libra: You will literally poop your pants this week. And I really don’t know what else to say about it, besides: GROSS.
Scorpio: Your parents bought tickets to see your favorite band and you can’t go because you’re stuck at school, so you will proceed to throw a tantrum and tell them they are the worst parents ever.


Sagittarius: Your extreme dedication to sports teams is not only unhealthy, but has begun to worry your friends. It seems that you believe you’re in love with certain athletes, when the love match is unlikely ever to happen.

Capricorn: Be careful about making plans over spring break, because I have a feeling that things will take a turn for the worst.

Aquarius: Your grandmother will find out about your new boyfriend/girlfriend and she will call you specifically to tell you, “no glove, no love.” Try not to gag into the phone.

Aries: No one finds you to be an intelligent human being

, and most people constantly wonder how you got in to college.

Taurus: You will find out you have developed an allergy to your favorite food when your face unexpectedly blows up, turns red, and you cannot breathe.

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