Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer
Aries: Your smell is rancid—not like the 90s ska band. Like, actually terrible. Please clean yourself. It would be much appreciated by the very nice smelling girls across the hall.
Taurus: I hear that the longer your Starbucks order is, the bigger prick you are. Keep that in mind the next time you order a 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel latte.
Gemini: The mailman will never return your affections. Keep fantasizing, I guess. There are tons of mailman pornos out there though, no doubt. Enjoy.
Cancer: Your ego should inflate an obnoxious amount, making you an even more unbearable person to be around. When there is next a full moon, pretend you have become a werewolf and gain some sympathy points. Friends probably won’t be made.
Leo: Your gracious tender nature is likely to be taken advantage of by everyone you know. So you might as well get tough and suck it up. Or just have a good cry in the shower.
Virgo: I worry about you and your self-centered notions of the world. What will become of you when you realize that no one truly cares about you and that if you seized you exist, the trees would swerve with joy and excitement, mocking your flaunt of a “perfect” life.
Libra: Don’t even try to liberate yourself. You’re a product of society, and always will be. Try not to shatter any mirrors this week.
Scorpio: As my boy Jay-Z would say, this week “It’s a hard knock life for [you].”
Sagittarius: Take charge of your personal well-being and cut your damn toe nails and start wearing underwear.
Capricorn: This week every bathroom stall you choose to do your business in will be out of toilet paper, you better B.Y.O.T.P. [Bring Your Own Toilet Paper].
Aquarius: Your professor knows your British accent is false, because you actually sound Australian. And she also knows that your great-aunt was not in the hospital on Thursday night, unless the hospital and the bar are the same thing.
Pisces: You’re a mean and jealous person. Ain’t nobody got time for that.