Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You never lost the Freshman 15 because of the Sophomore slump. Options: lose it before the Senior-itis kicks in or come to accept your new bod.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Selfies are for Sundays, but only once a month unless your face has changed dramatically since last week. Which it probably has after all the pizza you ate this weekend.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

UPDATE YOUR TINDER. No one likes being cat-fished, and you know that your best angle with a filter does not actually look like you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Yeah, you can technically wear sweatpants to class every day. You could also eat McDonalds every day, but does that sound like a good idea?

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

If they called a cab for you, they’re not being sweet — they just don’t want you to stay over.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Between your steady diet of pizza, beer, and pot, you’re starting to have trouble with the three flights of stairs it takes to get to your floor. Look into options on the first floor.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Better start your DIY Christmas presents now because your bank account is at an all-time low. Don’t put too much effort into them though because no one actually likes those anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

When having a bad day, being a b*tch to someone else is a very momentary satisfaction. After, you’re just a b*tch.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

People care about your cat pictures just as much as they care about your Facebook-posted opinion… they don’t. No one cares.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

DTF (down to f**k) and TTF (trying to f**k) are very different, and your thirsty TTF attitude has everyone turned-off.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Getting 300+ likes on Instagram is nice, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you can count all your friends on one hand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been down so long it looks like up to you, but that’s in right now because Drake has a hit about it so embrace it.

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