Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s sad that when you look in the Mirror of Erised you see pizza and liquor, because the mirror reads your hearts deepest desires.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

“Expecto Patronum” translates to “I await a guardian” in Latin… and your spell casts a rabbit. So you’re screwed.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Telling your professor that Hedwig didn’t deliver your homework in time will not get you out of an assignment. Creative attempt though!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The texts you receive from your friends after a night out are worse than the howler Ron got from his mom after stealing the flying muggle car.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

You would benefit from Dumbledore’s pensieve- that way you could look back on some of your nights out and possibly recall some memories.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Once you’re surrounded by the stench of it, it’s hard to tell if you’re doing a good job at keeping the air clear. Your nose turns out to be just as useful as Voldemort’s.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It would be great if Hagrid were coming to surprise you for your birthday with a thoughtful cake & news that you’re a wizard. But more than likely you’ll just go out and get wasted, so keep your expectations low.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You might think you can’t go wrong with choosing to be Harry or Hermione for Halloween, but it’s immediately the wrong choice. Neither costumes are slutty enough.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The Harry Potter character you’re most like is Sirius Black, because just like him, you can turn into a complete dog (only on the weekends though).

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Boys and girls are never “just friends.” Proof: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The centaurs in Harry Potter definitely know more about the stars than I do, even though they’re fictional. So never sweat your ‘scope.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you’re Draco Malfoy, then this weekend is buckbeak. For those of you who don’t know Harry Potter, just get ready to get hit hard.

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