Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re not fooling anyone, no one drinks that much cranberry juice for fun. We’ll all have our fingers crossed for you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your kitchen understands perfectly why weed is illegal, because it sees you go savage almost every night.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you avoided pot as much as you avoid your professors, you might actually make it to class once before the end of the semester.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Grad school never sounded appealing… until you realized you might be able to avoid being drug-tested for another year or two.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

With your temper, you could argue that smoking is your favor to society. Without weed, they’d feel your full wrath.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Europe would be an amazing trip, but the main goal has always been Amsterdam. For… cultural reasons.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your classmates all think you’re always super zoned. They aren’t too far off…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Friends don’t let friends miss out on our collective best friend, bud. That’s why Snoop is always prepared to introduce people.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Repeat after me: There’s nothing funny about ordering pizza. There’s nothing funny about ordering pizza… it’s no use. Just order online.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You didn’t hide your bong very well. The good news is that mom didn’t know what it was. The bad news is she loves her new garden ornament.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Smoking marijuana has negative effects… none you can ever remember though, so no worries.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Wake and bake is an age-old, beloved practice. However, you’ve showed up to your MWF class on Tuesday twice now.

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