Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beauty and the Beast gave you the horrible idea that behind every beast there’s a good person. But that’s not true. He’s usually just a beast.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The seaweed really is always greener in somebody else’s lake, but that’s probably because they complete their to-do lists instead of using them as a coaster for beer.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

We all wish we could leave our troubles behind like Simba did. But when you drop out of school you won’t have a tropical paradise and two new best friends. You’ll have your mom’s basement and loans that didn’t get you a degree.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Esmerelda taught you that beauty is more than skin-deep. But she also taught you that prostitution is a good way to take care of yourself. Be careful about whose advice you take.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Ariel was able to get her prince without using her voice whatsoever, proving that sometimes it’s better for everyone if you just STFU.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Having a first floor apartment on Main street seemed like a good idea, but call the cops if a boy comes through your window at night. He’s not Peter Pan.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Snow White needed seven men to help her find one she really liked. Follow her example of not settling.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Mulan went to battle for her father and you grumble about taking the trash out for yours. Come on now.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sleeping Beauty slept for 16 years straight and you get six hours a night. It’s no wonder your beauty hasn’t kicked in.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

The disappointment level of this week will be even greater than the first time you realized toys don’t actually talk like they do in Toy Story.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aside from Hercules, no one has been able to achieve God-level status while on earth. No, that’s not true. If Kanye can do it, so can you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The person you were making out with at the bar this past Saturday is never going to call. Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone. #Frozen

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