Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Idolizing Tommy Pickles was cute when you were little, but now your blue shirt and diaper get-up is starting to freak people out.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Have your therapist on speed dial this week; It’s tough realizing that “Semi-Charmed Life” is actually 100 percent about crystal meth.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t be surprised when you find your fish floating at the top of the tank. With the amount of Tamagotchis you put to rest, you shouldn’t have got a fish in the first place.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

In a moment of desperation, you might think of finally selling off that Game Boy Color… but then you’ll pop in Super Mario Bros and forget that lapse of judgment.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

The reoccurring nightmares you’ve been having are probably being sent to you by your very salty Furby. No one likes to be locked in a closet for ten years.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

You used to eat tasteless colored dots off of a long strip of paper, and now you complain about dining hall food? Don’t forget where you came from.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Having read too many Goosebumps books still has you nervous about unmentionables coming out of toilets and out from under beds. Or maybe that’s just too many bad trips.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Netflix and chill is the new Blockbuster and bang. Unfortunately, you don’t have Netflix and Blockbuster is closed. #BringBlockbusterBack

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your obsession with Pokémon will officially cross the line when you accidently call your boyfriend Ash and ask him to “catch them all” while doing it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

People think you’re trendy because you jumped on the choker trend real fast. But really you just haven’t cleaned out your closet since the new millennium hit.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You know Lisa Frank folders are a lot cooler than Five Star folders. Your friend ratio might go up this week, if you’re willing to make the switch.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.” Don’t be like Barbie at the bars this weekend again. You can’t just ditch your clothes wherever you want. Be civilized.

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