This Week’s Horriblescopes

Marielle Genovesi, Arts Editor

Here are this week’s horriblescopes!

Aries: You caught your TA unaware, mid-makeout with a fellow classmate at Jimmy T’s and you know that they saw you. Part of you wants to give them the eye during class for catching them in the act, and the other wants them to give you an A+ in sweaty makeout skills.

Taurus: You thought going to a paint party would be all fun and games, until you were rejected from the Jug for just being too damn messy.

Gemini: Your apartment will slowly fall apart and become more and more of a shithole as the school year progresses.

Cancer: Someone will tell you that boys don’t get whipped cream on their beverages, which basically seems like it should be an illegal statement because everyone loves whipped cream.

Leo: We all know that your guilty pleasure is reading the comments on youtube videos.

Virgo: Take everything at face value, all the gossip you have been hearing is true and you’re just stupid for not believing it.

Libra: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie… nothing happens because you have zero romance or beauty in your life at all.

Scorpio: It tends to be really offensive when you say you are “literally like dying” because there are literally, like thousands of people dying.

Sagittarius: Your professor knows that you and your significant other were doing the dirty in the bathroom down the hall from class.

Capricorn: You will accidentally lock yourself out of your dorm room after taking a shower, and no one will be at the cage, looks like you better be comfortable in your nudey-pants

Aquarius: To start your day off right you should probably pound your head vigorously against the wall consequently knocking yourself out and getting a concussion. I mean anything is better than 8 a.m. class, right?

Pisces: That email you meant to send to your best-friend that said “ohemgee I’m so wasted with my cat” actually sent to your U.S. history professor, and now they know why you skipped class Friday.

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