Marielle Genovesi- Culture Editor

Gemini: I know that every time you see your crush you slightly pee your pants, and I am going to tell them.  You might want to work this issue out over the summer.

Virgo: You will accidentally sit in your neighbor’s car and attempt to start it, confusing it as your own. I mean we all have rough mornings sometimes, but yours are especially tough.

Pisces: You will unintentionally get tipsy while doing your school work and send your professor an email wrongly accusing them of not putting the homework on Angel. Moral of the story: don’t drink and email professors.

Cancer: Your roommate has decided to kill you with kindness, until your soul breaks, and you admit that you’re just a shitty friend and a terrible person in comparison to them.

Libra: Sun’s out, bun’s out I guess, ‘cause all your spring dresses are see-through.

Scorpio: A spider will bite your face in your sleep, and you will develop a gaping hole in your cheek.

Sagittarius: You have a huge presentation this week, and I know you have the tendancy to vomit when you get nervous. Try to aim for the garbage pail and not your audience.

Capricorn: People keep mistaking you for Kanye West because you wear ridiculous shades on your face and your ego is through the roof.

Aquarius: You will confuse the dates so much this week that you will miss every important event you are supposed to be present at.

Aries: You will be looking forward to attending a huge end-of-the-year party, but will show up inapproriately dressed, and you will be unceremoniously kicked out.

Leo: Your friends will go out to dinner without you after  you call them and tell them you might be running late due to a flat tire. There ain’t no rest for the wicked.

Taurus: All your friends are going on vacation the 13th, and all your finals are scheduled for the 14th.  I’m not really sure what to tell you.


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