Marielle GenovesiCulture Editor

Aries: It’s been so cold out lately that your boogers have been freezing to your face. But so have everyone else’s so at least you aren’t alone.

Taurus: I saw you eat it over a snow bank in the parking lot. It’s okay, not everyone is gifted with coordination and grace.

Gemini: Gentleman, I know that this cold weather means a bit of shrinkage in the package department and yes, the ladies will be judging.

Leo: There’s been a rumor floating around that you have three nipples. Could we like arrange a meet and greet or something?

Virgo: You will have extremely vivid nightmares every night for two weeks. If I were you I would invest in a dream catcher.

Pisces: You’ve literally broken your New Years resolution twice every day since you made it. Totally pathetic.

Cancer: You accidentally flashed your ethics professor; he tried not to look because apparently that’s against some moral code. I’d still hope for bonus points if I were you.

Libra: Well I know you’re deathly allergic to cats, but your roommate just bought one and she’s hiding it from you under her bed. Don’t be alarmed if you break out in some serious hives. Hives can occasionally be sexy though.

Scorpio: Your friends all call you “bigfoot” behind your back because your walk is so loud, sometimes it seems like you might start an earthquake.

Capricorn: You’re feeling daring lately, so this weekend you’ll write your number on the bathroom stall of The Sip. Turns out you’ll regret it after you get a number of risqué pictures.

Aquarius: This week, don’t plan on your crush giving you any attention; they’re probably busy talking to someone who is probably much cooler than you.

Sagittarius: You’ll run out of clean laundry so you will be forced to wear your “emergency” sweatpants that have a mysterious stain on the front. Just so you know, they really are horrible looking, and no one is ever going to find you attractive in them.

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