Marielle Genovesi – Culture Editor
Aries: You should stop sending nude snapchats, because everyone is talking about how your butt looks like moldy cheese.
Taurus: Stop talking to your food at every meal. Your next vacation spot will be a mental institution.
Gemini: Don’t even bother trying to stay true to yourself, I know that you’re the biggest fraud around. Your lucky color is black, like your soul.
Cancer: You keep trying to make conversation with people in the bathroom, except it just makes everything more awkward, and no one can focus on their “business.” You’re also known as the “bathroom babbler.”
Leo: The intense eye sex you have with people not only creeps
them out, but has them wishing they put 911 on speed dial.
Virgo: This week, refrain from checking social-media, because no one wishes to be social with you, and it is unhealthy to feel the need to change your profile picture every half hour.
Libra: Your legs are so hairy that whenever someone is in bed with you, they fear that they have just slept with a bear.
Scorpio: Try to visualize your goals this week. Your goals meaning doing anything but jerking off and smoking weed. It’s time to be a productive member of society.
Sagittarius: Don’t try to “spread your sunshine.” You are a person, not a solar system.
Capricorn: This week you will lose control of everything in your life. Stay clear of sharp objects, cliffs, bridges and ropes.
Aquarius: The reason it seems like your roommate hates you is because she knows you have been texting her dad. Your lucky number is 69.
Pisces: If you’re involved in a relationship, I hate you. If you are single give me your number, and maybe I’ll give you a better horriblescope.