Five Movies to Avoid Like the Plague

Jeannie Nielsen, Contributing Writer

Gone are the days when going to the movie theater was an inexpensive treat. Tickets are usually over ten dollars, and if you decide to get popcorn and candy, you’ve got yourself one expensive outing. Most of us are broke college kids, so it’s easy to feel resentful when the movie doesn’t deliver. We could have used that money for something useful, like dinner. Here are some of the movies that you should never, under any circumstances, pay to see.

1. The Twilight Series
I feel as though I don’t need to provide an explanation for this one, but I will anyway. To explain it briefly, Kristen Stewart looks unenthusiastic the entire time, Robert Pattinson looks pained and ill, and the directors try to distract from the sub-par acting by having Taylor Lautner appear shirtless in 95 percent of his scenes, as required by his contract. The plot itself is shallow, and the over-the-top cheesy lines (“you’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” “hang on tight Spider Monkey,” etc.) are just icing on the cake. Many of the people who saw this in theaters were older, and cited their wish to see the “eye candy,” refering to Lautner, as their motivation for going. Disturbingly, he could be considered jailbait during the filming of the first two in the series.

2. The Roommate
The writing was bad. The acting was worse. At least the results were laughable. Minka Kelly in the lead roll was flat and lifeless while Leighton Meester’s attempt at portraying a psycho was interesting to watch… but not in a good way. However, to be fair, I doubt even Helen Mirren could have produced a worthwhile character with the script being what is was. Much of the movie lacked direction or point, resulting in scenes in which the actors were literally standing around in silence, resulting in confused laughter from the audience.

3. Mamma Mia
I’ll admit—I’m a little biased here. I despise ABBA’s music. That being said, the plot was also terrible. The lead, Sophie, wants to find and meet her father before her wedding. The trouble is that she finds out that she has three possible dads, whose first names she learns by reading her mother’s old diary. Has she no sense of privacy? Somehow, with this limited information, she is miraculously able to track them down and invite them to her wedding in Greece. Call me cynical, but I have a hard time believing that a one-night-stand who doesn’t buy you dinner the next night will be very interested in attending the wedding of your daughter 25 years after the fact. But, by George, all three show up! This is just the beginning of the trainwreck. Meryl Streep, I expected better judgment from you.

4. Any film based on a book by Nicholas Sparks
I may receive hate mail for this one. But really—Boy meets Girl. Boy becomes infatuated with Girl. Boy is not Girl’s type. Boy nevertheless manages to woo Girl, and they fall in love. One set of parents disapproves of this relationship and tries to separate them. Parents are successful for a short time. Boy and Girl see each other again, this time stronger and more dedicated. Boy and Girl overcome a secondary conflict. Ending is bittersweet… Boy and Girl are together and in love, but someone in the story is going to die. Was I talking about The Notebook? A Walk to Remember? The Last Song? I’ll never tell, because truthfully, I’m not entirely sure either.

5. Employee of the Month
Essentially a movie about people who are way too dedicated to earning the employee of the month award in order to win over the new cashier, played by Jessica Simpson. I mean no disrespect to supermarket employees, but as a former cashier myself, I can attest from experience that no one cared about the speed at which they scanned groceries, and the “employee of the month” award is unlikely to impress newcomers. An unrealistic and totally unfunny view of grocery store life.

There you have it—the worst movies I’ve had the misfortune to see. What are some of the catastrophes you’ve seen? Send submissions to [email protected]; we’ll tally the results and see what our reader’s choices are for next issue.

(Graphic by Salem Eames)

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