A Fine Bromance

James Early, Humor Columnist

After several weeks of failed articles, my Glorious Editor (may Her name be praised!) has made it quite clear this will be my last chance. If you’re reading this in the newspaper then she has more than likely given me the antidote and I shall attempt contact again next week. Rather than leave this introduction wandering aimlessly like a Water Street biddy, I will attempt to cut to the heart of this article: bromance.
Now, at first glance the unenlightened mind would assign some sort of homosexual undercurrent to any strong relationship between two males. This would be a grievous error. While the “bros” you see sleazing around campus almost certainly do display homosexual undertones in their dick punching, fist pumping, ass slapping douchebaggery, a true bromance transcends the limitations of human language and defies any sort of labeling.
Once, long ago when I still felt the warmth of the sun on my face, I happened to see a shirt that read “Love + Sex = Trouble.” This is all too often true. Sexual actions of any sort tend to muddle the waters of friendship, between opposite sexes or those of the same sex. For example, take Jack and Jill. Those two are bosom buddies and then they take a “tumble” down a hill. Jack is now self conscious about his sexual performance and Jill’s tendency to gossip. Meanwhile, Jill is worried Jack may no longer see her as a strong independent female and may consider her a drunken night booty call. Both find excuses to avoid one another and the distance between them grows. Jack grows depressed and takes up drinking and biddy hunting. Jill sleeps around with numerous bros, trying to find the one that will make her feel better. Overall, sex, or even the prospect of sex, can poison even the childhood couple of Jack and Jill.
Alright, maybe I’ve spent too much time trapped in a cell with nothing but a typewriter to amuse me. Maybe my conversations with this undergrounds’ numerous denizens has whittled away at my sanity. But I’ll be damned if those uppity cockroaches can think I can’t string together a decent allegory. My point still stands the same. Certainly many healthy relationships exist between two partners who delight in both the physical and mental aspects of one another; finding that partner requires time, effort and money, all of which are in short supply for a college student. That is unless you’re some Jersey Shore knock-off with parents that’ll cover all your costs (hair gel, condoms, antibiotics for the STDs you contract when you forget to use those condoms, etc.). A sex-less relationship is the best option.
Enter the bromance. You’re a young male in a new environment. You meet another young male, also lost and friendless. You discover that you share interests, goals and taste in women/booze. But best of all, you have no desire to bend your friend over the nearest object of waist-height and start thrusting. You can continue to confide in your new found bromance and strengthen that friendship without fear that your more base instincts will overtake you.
Some of you folks out there may be confused or have questions. Yes, bromances can exist between ladies. Those are Womances. Yes, people with different sexual orientations can have bromances or womances; the key is that no sexual desires exist between the two people, not what their favorite orifice might be.
The point is that your questions are badgering me to the point where I am tempted to accuse you all of actually being badgers. So just accept my wisdom as you should and carry on with your lives. I have a debate with the rocks that jut out from the opposite wall of my cell planned out and I need time to practice. Their defense of the Sophists is solid and I’m tired of being stonewalled over simple philosophical definitions. I bid you all adieu, and if this is not accepted by my Glorious Editor (may Her name be praised!), I bid you farewell forevermore!

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