Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your “I’m five minutes away!” is starting to be universally known as, “I haven’t left the house yet but I’ll consider getting dressed soon.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Go ahead and tell yourself you didn’t have that much to drink. Your puking later will remind you that you’re a liar.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your dentist knows you don’t floss regularly, but he wants you to say yes anyway. It’s a courtesy thing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

“We need to catch up! We’ll get coffee soon!” The only thing worse than both of you knowing no coffee will be had at any point is only one of you knowing. Yikes.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Your fatal flaw is telling people you love gifts that you really don’t. Now you have to decide; spend your whole life pretending to be happy about gifts you don’t like, or fess up.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Modern technology is great. Except for those pesky “read” receipts. No, your phone didn’t die. Take those things off ASAP.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Stop telling yourself you’re only going to watch “one more episode” or you’ll start mixing up the numbers one and five in everyday life.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your mom can only be your excuse for so long. You’re better off learning how to say “no” than living your whole life claiming that your “parents said no.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

“I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.” Did you? Or did you just sign your soul away to the Devil? You have no idea.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you had a dollar for every time you said you’d start your diet tomorrow, you wouldn’t need to take out anymore loans.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Even if you’re not doing well, the cashier doesn’t want to hear that “you could be better.” Saying you’re good isn’t a lie, it’s a social norm. And it’s awkward when you don’t comply.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If your significant other gives you the period after the sentence “I’m not mad,” it can’t even be considered a lie. Yes, they’re mad. They’re so mad that they can’t believe you even have to ask.

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