Marielle Genovesi, Culture Editor
Gemini: I saw you arranging a picture last night to send into @sunypartystories, too bad you’re not trashy enough for that.
Leo: Since you refuse to wear your glasses, you keep waving to strangers. Everyone thinks you have lost your mind. I won’t tell them you actually have.
Vigro: This week you will have multiple awkward encounters with an ex, which unfortunately will throw you into an emotional downward spiral. You might hope that they haven’t moved on. Trust me, they have.
Pisces: You will get an email notifying you that you won an $800 scholarship. It will then be followed by an email claiming that this was a technical error, and was not meant for you. Oof.
Cancer: Your mom is really pissed at you because you never call her, but you’re too afraid to let her know that you no longer have a phone because you dropped it in a glass of beer the other night, for fear that she would then call you both a horrible child and an alcoholic.
Libra: This week you will suddenly realize that you have an intense passion for your TA. Too bad he has an intense love for your professor.
Scorpio: Some people run on Dunkin, you run on Grey Goose.
Sagittarius: You spoke in a British accent at the bar all night, you thought you were charming everyone around you, until some kid called you a weirdo, and all your friends left without you.
Capricorn: This week you will feel bold so you will write your number on your forehead at a party, but forget you are looking in a mirror, unaware that is all backwards. hawt.
Aquarius: You danced on the stripper pole the other night and demanded that everyone toss you a quarter for your “professional dancing skills.”
Aries: Your hickey looks like Tom Hanks. Kind of how that famous burnt toast looked like Jesus. I don’t hate it.
Taurus: Sometimes you listen to circa 2004 Killers so that you can shed tears over the emotional pre-teen days.