Marielle Genovesi, Culture Editor
Aries: You’ll lose your wallet at the bar on Saturday, someone will find it, steal your ID, your cash, and your credit card, then they’ll toss everything else in the trash. Looks like your screwed.
Taurus: While you’re driving this week, not only will you hit the back of someone’s car, but then the hood of your car will fly off like an errant UFO.
Gemini: You will fall so ill this week that you won’t be able to move from your bed, you will also realize you have a phobia of vomiting. I think you will have to get over that REAL fast.
Cancer: The make out session you had behind the Human Ecology building was not only disturbing, but also completely lacking in the technique department. Since when was a quick slobber considered hot?
Leo: You might go to the library, but I know all you really do is watch movies and giggle-snort obnoxiously on the 3rd floor, I mean this would all be more tolerable if you were attractive. Sorry.
Virgo: The “big man” up there is cooking up some terrible luck to send your way. Brace yourself, aka, acquire every god damn good luck charm available to you at this time.
Libra: Valentines day might be your favorite holiday, but unfortunately no one wants to be your valentine. Let’s face it, you’re a romantic and that means you’re really high maintenance.
Scorpio: You’ll have a dream so vivid that you confuse it with reality, you will continue to carry out activities that day based on your dream, turns out everyone will think you have lost your mind.
Sagittarius: You are already extremely stressed out, I know this because you walk around with a brutish frown on your face 24/7 and let me tell you, it is not becoming.
Capricorn: You will not be able to stop singing the Canadian national anthem under your breath for a week straight.
Aquarius: Everyone will think you got proposed to in Mills Dining Hall, but your friends were just spreading fake rumors about it.
Pisces: Stop being that person in class that everyone hates. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. just SHUT UP. Really, if you weren’t so obnoxious, you could actually be an enjoyable person.