Sagittarius: You have been unaware that you have been drinking coffee all week that is decaffeinated. So much for getting on that caffeine high.
Capricorn: No one wanted to hear your story about how you choked on a chip for a full 10 minutes.
Aquarius: You’ll try so hard not to procrastinate, but sadly your laziness will lead you to a sequence of nights with zero sleep and no fun.
Pisces: You tell everyone your favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, but you hate turkey. Why are you such a poser?
Aries: Your roommates heard you having sex the other night, I guess since it was so loud that means you really enjoyed it, right?
Taurus: Please refrain from admitting to anyone that you brush your teeth “when you feel like it.”
Gemini: Some kid told me that he wrote a metaphorical poem about you which compared you to a can of tomato soup.
Cancer: Hey ladies, “no shave November” doesn’t just have to be for guys.
Leo: If you don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I will tell everyone you wore pull-ups until 7th grade and that you have absolutely no skills in the kissing department.
Virgo: Your spirit food is not cheese.
Libra: Well you’re really not very good looking, to be honest. So i guess going places in life will be kinda hard for you.
Scorpio: You’ll return expecting a warm welcome from your family and friends, all I can say is try not to get your hopes up, kid.