Marielle Genovesi – Culture Editor
Sagittarius: It’s getting quite frosty outside, which means wearing clothing is actually a must these days. Sorry to all of the Sagittarius’ that love to be naked. There ain’t nothing wrong with layers kids.
Capricorn: This week you will be asked on a date by a complete stranger, you might want to do a background check, because they might be engaged, and also have a kid. But hey… if you want the package deal…
Aquarius: If someone dares you to snort powdered cinnamon up your nose, you should probably object. If you don’t then you are an idiot, and I can no longer offer you any advice.
Pisces: Every time you attempt to reach out to people they will ignore you. What have you done?
Aries: Winner, winner you’re a sinner! I just like that rhyme, don’t you?
Taurus: You shouldn’t be embarrassed by your obvious lack of swag, but you probably should be ashamed of your current GPA. Yikes, are you a slacker.
Gemini: I heard you crying in the shower – was the water too hot or something? Should I have a little talk with John the maintenance man, cause I will.
Cancer: You will repeatedly dream you are traveling down a mysterious dark road, and then at last you will reach a chicken holding a banana in its beak. This means nothing except that you are psychologically messed up.
Leo: Heed my advice. Your boyfriend’s circulating “dick pic” absolutely serves as a warning sign your relationship should come to an end. Like, NO.
Virgo: You are not a blossoming flower that thrives beneath the sunshine, but rather a fungus that festers in dark corners.
Libra: If I were to tell you that you were following a path of advancement and success I would be feeding you a bunch of bullshit. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that nothing in life is easy?
Scorpio: Your love life is so terrible that I almost feel bad for you. It probably won’t improve until you get a backbone. So pretty much, it will be a long fucking time.