Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer
Scorpio: Scorpio’s are really into sex that is totally awkward. Almost all of their orgasms are faked.
Sagittarius: This week you might want to try the triple-decker bacon cheeseburger position with your partner. So erotic.
Gemini: People under this sign like to bite and be bitten during sex. Live cannibalism is all the rage for them. Yum yum, eat it up.
Leo: Turned on by the smell of vomit and dancing induced sweat, a perfume you don’t even need to purchase.
Aries: “Don’t need no candles or cake, just need your body to make – birthday sex.” Make sure you blow out some candles this week, if you know what I mean.
Aquarius: Become intimate with your body, because no one else wants to. Try some cheap ways to get off, like your roommate’s vibrating toothbrush.
Capricorn: Loves it when the names of the seven dwarves from “Snow White”
are whispered in their ear during foreplay. Totally arousing.
Virgo: Although choking and asphyxiation are seen as a turn on, make sure you don’t try this stuff out after a disagreement with your sexual partner. If it goes too far things may end behind bars for you, and six feet under for them.
Taurus: Your tender spot is your elbow, commonly known as the “weenus.” Have your lover rub you there three times – they’ll be the genie to your erotic lamp. You’re love life just can’t get any kinkier than that.
Cancer: Stop using the dryer as a vibrator so often, we all need to take a turn.
Pisces: Are really sensual, and wild. Pisces ladies try doing a strip tease this week, revealing those granny panties will just drive your lover wild. Warning: Strip tease could end quickly, results are varied.
Libra: You will experience the awkward moment when you download a porn virus onto your computer and no one finds out until you’re forced to take it to the tech center.