Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer
Aquarius: Don’t follow your heart. It will just eventually cause you to write some terrible poetry that people will pretend to like.
Pisces: If someone tells you that they are moving to North Korea, they aren’t. And if you believe it, you must wear a dunce cap, for a long time.
Aries: Just because it’s your birthday season doesn’t mean you can get away with everything. That’s not a valid excuse. Happy one year closer to wrinkles.
Taurus: Stop judging people from that corner of the room you like to occupy at every party. Just remember you’re the one that is riding solo here. And you look awkward.
Gemini: You’ll probably miss the bus this week. And you might have to run after it looking like the loon everyone knows you are.
Cancer: Your alarm will go off at some obscene hour, and you will answer it as if someone was calling you at that time of the morning.
Leo: You should probably stop stalking your professor over the Internet and do the work you have for their class.
Virgo: Everyone saw you dancing on your bed in just your underwear. You didn’t look like Gaga.
Libra: Stop watching Harlem Shake videos because that was so two weeks ago. Get with it. It’s the Internet for God’s sake.
Scorpio: You have the immune system of an orphan child. And you’re lucky number is 13, which means it’s also your unlucky number.
Sagittarius: Never trust anyone who says they like cats. Your spirit animal is a gerbil.
Capricorn: You told everyone you were too busy to hang out, but you’ve really been teaching yourself how to knit and staring at a blank space on your wall. That’s pretty embarrassing.