The State Tunes have revisited our resident astrologist, and the results are in!

Sagittarius: If you stand on the corner of Spruce and Dietz on the next new moon, someone will give you a cosmic cookie.

Aquarius: There could be hobo living in your basement. You might want to get that checked out.

Capricorn: Have your dreams been particularly vivid this week? Lay off the LSD.

Scorpio: You’ve always been a fiery soul, and the dead of winter is no exception. Share your warmth and start a cuddle puddle with Randos, you will be surprised the outcome.

Leo: A poet can survive everything but a misrpint.

Aries: Think no one notices that you haven’t washed behind your ears for the last 15 years of your life? Think again. This week someone will be watching.

Gemini: This is a good week for a threesome, but only because you’re feeling particularly schizophrenic.

Libra: Tip the scales in your favor by tipping your servers this week.

Taurus: Avoid any dark, dank, closed spaces. Basement parties, we’re talking to you.

Pisces: Get it on, girl/boyfriend. This is your month, not just because it’s your birth month, but also because Mercury is in Uranus. Make sure to stock up on your Astro(logical)-Glide.

Cancer: Group project? Don’t bother; you’ll get an F either way.

Virgo: Tomorrow, stay at the bar until closing. You will get a beer out of it.

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