Horriblescopes

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Sagittarius: If your pocket is feeling saggy, go buck wild and you’ll make a few friends.

Aquarius: Calm down your diva this week.

Capricorn: Experiment with some spices in your cooking. Spice is nice, and so is sriracha.

Scorpio: Spend a night in with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, Billie Holiday and read Doors of Perception. If you don’t, I will.

Leo: Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket because what’s good for the goose is not always good for the gander. Especially if you are unfamiliar with the term gander. Taking a gander in the dictionary could help. Your knowledge will expand this week.

Aries: You will receive a signal from an unknown source that will lead to a vast fortune. The message could be anything from a wink from a townie to a pop up on your computer. In the case of the latter, you should definitely click.

Gemini: One word: Carrots.

Libra: Cut back on the caffeine and embrace catnaps. The chairs in the Education Room of Milne are super comfy.

Taurus: Stop taking life so seriously; it isn’t permanent, you know.

Pisces: I would estimate that at least 50 percent of your efforts today will go not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed.

Cancer: You can paint with all the colors of the wind.

Virgo: Go to the microfilm room in the Periodicals floor of Milne Library (the basement’s basement); look up the New York Times issue published on your date of birth. Halve your age and divide that by the Volume number of the issue. Then add the page number of the last page to your digit list. This will be the winning lottery number for Friday’s jackpot. Enjoy.