Aries (March 21 – April 19)
In your defense, you’ve had a really busy last couple of weeks. You haven’t had time to start studying yet. In not-your-defense, you’ve had the syllabus since August.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You know that you study better with breaks, but you need to work on coming back from your break sober.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s okay to not look your best during the remainder of this semester, but it’s not okay to cut showers from your busy schedule.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When you’re upset with your C’s and D’s at the finish of this semester, remember that you can always blame it at least in part on your professor.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
The time to decide is now: kick it into overdrive and have a chance at an “A,” or calculate the least work you need to do to end up with a “C.”
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Bang-breaks are one of the best ways to refocus during long hours of studying. Try to find a consensual buddy for the upcoming weeks to help you both succeed.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Fake it ‘till you make it is always a tempting option. However, even successfully faking it takes quite a bit of effort, and you’re just not ready for that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Sleeping in excess because of stress will only make you more stressed. But also, it’s just cold out. So we understand your decision to stay in bed.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
No, Santa can’t give you all A’s for Christmas. “Sorry, that shit is on you”— Love, Santa.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
As a poor college student, the main things on your true Christmas list are things you know your Grandma wouldn’t buy you. So make a friends and family list.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
When you forget to get anything for your roommates, you can always throw them some of your many leftover Jug chips!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Stress eating is a very real thing. Don’t feel bad about having seven pieces of pizza in one week. That’s one of the only up-sides of finals week!