Marielle Genovesi, Staff Writer

Aries: You know you don’t fit into a Magnum condom. Pretending you do will do you no good when you find yourself in the process of having sex.

Taurus: This week boost someone’s confidence—hook up with the least attractive person you know.

Gemini: Don’t fart and walk away like I don’t know you just farted.

Cancer: You will mistake someone for your significant other; they will not appreciate the casual ass grab and smooch you thought would be cute. No one around you will enjoy seeing it either. Keep the kinky for da solo moments, kids.

Leo: This week you will take a walk on the “crazy-person” side, like you have been your whole life. Yes, I am speaking to all you Leos who wear underwear with the days of the week on them. The “wild side” is also not wearing “Sunday” undies on “Wednesday.”

Mary Cheung
Mary Cheung

Virgo: Some advice you should take to heart this week: lying and cheating are the best ways to solve every problem you have. Always. You’re welcome.

Libra: Someone’s mom told me to tell you that she doesn’t like being called a MILF. She also says to answer her emails and that she gets out of work at 8 p.m.

Scorpio: If you have been running low on the cash-money, it’s because the tooth fairy steals from you while you’re sleeping at night. The tooth fairy could also be me. Or your roommate.

Sagittarius: Stop dreaming about hot dogs. This week is national give a runner all your money week; improve your karma by participating. If you don’t you’re a bad person and a miser.

Capricorn: I gave the watch you bought me to my new partner in celebration of our two year anniversary, on to the next one.

Aquarius: You will have a variety of the worlds’ most annoying songs stuck in your head all week. “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves…”

Pisces: Remember when you were little and you thought you would someday become a mermaid? That’s not happening this week.


  1. These oddly specific Horriblescopes bring me momentary joy. That’s a lot for me to say, so take it as it is…

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