Marielle Genovesi– Culture Editor
Aries: Your hair looks like it caught fire,was put through a vortex of wind, and then was crapped on by a rather large bird. Let’s just say, it isn’t working for you.
Taurus: Everyone finds you extremely terrifying and rude seeing as you feel the need to tell everyone why they are imperfect. WE ALL ARE AWARE THAT NO ONE IS PERFECT, THANKS. Keep yo mouth shut.
Gemini: Don’t tell anyone that you listen to the Twilight Saga on audiobook whenever you go to the gym. It won’t do anything to boost your rep.
Cancer: Your hallmates heard you having pretty loud sex the other day.I mean, everyone was happy for you, but at 6 in the morning…really?
Leo: You have been living under the misapprehension that you have a substantial amount of money in your bank account. I would reconsider this before you begin offering to buy everyone drinks at the bar this weekend.
Virgo: You will send your professor an email full of typos, and he/she will judge you.
Libra: The whole class knew you were playing Pacman, and now they all know how terrible you are at it too. You should be ashamed.
Scorpio: This week, look forward to numerous sleepless and very stressful nights, followed by a text that says, “We need to talk.”
Sagittarius: You will accidentally flush something important to you down the toilet this weekend, and then will proceed to call the police to report an object stolen by someone named “John.”
Capricorn: You will realize that you have been calling your professor the wrong name to their face the whole semester. Looks like you are screwed because it’s too late to turn back now.
Aquarius: Everyone in your class did well on the midterm exam except you, and you were the jerk who openly bragged about how well you thought you did after.
Pisces: The sky roof in your car was open and everyone at the bus stop heard you singing along to some Kelly Clarkson. Well, you can’t exactly hit those high notes the way that she can.