Marielle Genovesi, Culture Editor
Scorpio: This week you will try to stay positive, but then all the things that are bad will happen to you.
Sagittarius: Be careful not to leave any sharp objects lying around. Your roommate was pretty pissed when they found out it was you who vomited in their bed.
Capricorn: For some reason everyone will feel the need to be truthful with you, and the truth is going to hurt pretty badly.
Aquarius: Everything makes you cry lately. And oh boy is your “crying face” unattractive.
Pisces: Your spirit animal is a slimy worm, because you are a creep, and therefore you are slimy.
Aries: Every day this week you will wet the bed because your dreams will be so terrifying. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone
Taurus: You have a personality that causes everyone around you to feel miserable and resentful. Too bad you were born that way, right?
Gemini: When you consider getting a tattoo of your first sexual partner on your butt cheek, please know that if you ever consider having sex again, that may cause problems.
Cancer: There’s this rumor going around that you made out with a dog the other night. I would stop denying it and just own up to it.
Leo: This week is opposite week, so everyone will give you compliments. I love you.
Virgo: If you had a spirit plant, it would be a thorn bush, because you’re totally a prickly person, whatever that means.
Libra: Your guilty pleasure is being a bitch. I would advise you to find a new one, but it’s kind of fun to talk about you behind your back.